A Sad Anniversary

Today is the day one year ago that my precious Momma, Ruth Jan Wade - Pappadopoulos - Baum died and went to heaven. One whole year, and it seems to have flown by. It seems as if I just talked to her on the phone yesterday. I can still close my eyes and see her hands, long fingernails painted red, as usual. I can still remember her smell... Bob Mackie perfume - and ALOT of it. I can still remember her voice, always perky, always optimistic, always warm - even when she was the most ill. I would give anything to pick up the phone and hear "How's my Joygirl?" I would give anything to be able to lay my head in her lap again, ANYTHING to hear her pet names she always called me (Jiggybookie, pookiebear and Diddledumps) ANYTHING to have her scratch by back like only she could, ANYTHING to hear her opinion and get her advice. She was my very best friend, my closest confidant, my greatest champion, the one who knew me most and longest and loved me in spite of all my flaws. When she left this earth she took a huge part of me with her that I will only get back when I see her again someday - which I must and have to believe in now. My Granny followed her in under a year. The two women that I was closest to - - gone. Granny needed to be with Mom. They were always together. They belong together - - raising all kinds of you know what in heaven! I miss Momma so much it hurts.

Mom, it's been one year since you left and I cannot believe what I have become in your absence. I literally went crazy for a while, I have to admit it. I never fully realized how much of my identity I had wrapped up in you - my best buddy - my Mom. I was lost without you. In some ways I still am, but not so desperately anymore. YOU TAUGHT ME TO BE STRONG - something that I just wasn't for a while. I am now, although I am afraid that you would be very ashamed of some of the things that I have done in the last year. You were my conscience - you knew what I'd done before I ever told you - always - - it was amazing. With my conscience gone, I had no one to tell me NO Joy, you can't do what you are doing. I tore my marriage to shreads and almost lost a man who adores me. I made a mess of things in my life and I am just getting it all back together. I WANT YOU TO BE PROUD OF THE WOMAN I AM. I have gained my own identity now - something I had to do. I am my own person - something I never was before. I have restored my marriage back to where it needed to be - thatnk God. I am really trying to be a great Mom to the girls. I parent so much like you - you were the best. You'd be so proud of our babies. The girls we prayed for together, remember? They miss their Nanna so much. Jinny still remembers putting on Nanna's makeup. You made such an impact on them in such a short time... typical of you. I promise to make my 30th year of life one you'd be proud of.

Everyone misses you - your spark. You were the light of this family - the glue that kept us all together. I am trying, but my glue is just not as strong. Melissa is doing so well. I remember begging God - if he must take you - to please spare Melissa's life. He gave me that and you'll be so glad to know we are as close as ever. Andy is great - an awesome big brother, always calling me, always checking on me. Scotty is lost to me - I can't relate with him anymore but I love him and miss him in my life so much. All the kids - they miss you - You never got to meet Angel Jan - she came in May and she is a beauty. Wait - I bet you met her in heaven before she was ever here. James graduated highschool, Rik and Amber are teenagers now and Ariel looks more like you every day. Lydia is painfully shy since you died and Drew is a weed - different every time I see him. So is Ashlyn. I am afraid that Hershy is lost without you as well. He is so sad - - so lonely. He loved you so much.
I love you so much too. I love that you are in me - that I am your daughter, doing things the way you taught me to. YOUR SPIRIT LIVES ON IN ME, MY BROTHERS AND ALL YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. It's not the same - but I am thankful for it.

Momma, life does go on without you - but not as well. Not as smoothly... not anymore. I love you.

Joygirl